


Killua Just Can't Have A Happy Ending

by Drink_water_my_dude



Category: Hunter X Hunter, Naruto
Genre: A bit of swearing, Aftermath of Torture, Aged-down Killua Zoldyck, Alternate Universe, Angst, Child Abuse, Chuunin Exams, Crossover, Family Reunions, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Torture, Original Character(s), POV Alternating, POV Hatake Kakashi, POV Killua Zoldyck, Past Child Abuse, Past Torture, Poor Killua (Hunter X Hunter), Psychological Torture, Torture, Violence, prepare yourself
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:29:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27226585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drink_water_my_dude/pseuds/Drink_water_my_dude
Summary: 'Blood. I smell blood. That's not good, I promised I wouldn't kill. I feel sick. Everything's dizzy. Did I actually kill someone? Why can't I remember? Is Gon okay?'Killua finally moves to see what had happened. He wished he hadn't, the sight would have him emptying his guts for the rest of the day. Illumi's hand on his shoulder and forehead did not help.Across the room, was the one thing he never wanted to see. Gon Freecss was dead. And it was his fault.Or, AU in which Illumi gets Killua to kill Gon after Greed Island and Killua goes back to Kukuroo Mountain with Illumi to continue his assassin training. But, things get messed up when Killua kills a Shinobi and is caught by Kakashi.
Comments: 9
Kudos: 33





	1. We shall begin!

**Author's Note:**

> Please be nice, this is my first story on AO3. Also... lot's of sadness ahead. I warn you.

'Blood. I smell blood. That's not good, I promised I wouldn't kill. I feel sick. Everything's dizzy. Did I actually kill someone? Why can't I remember? Is Gon okay?'

Killua finally moves to see what had happened. He wished he hadn't, the sight would have him emptying his guts for the rest of the day. Illumi's hand on his shoulder and forehead did not help. Across the room, was the one thing he never wanted to see. Gon Freecss was dead. And it was his fault.

* * *

Killua and Gon had just watched Bisky leave. Their next adventure was about to begin. Well, it might be their last adventure too, but he shouldn't Think about that. Gon was happy and so was he. He was only a little embarrassed when Gon was talking about introducing Killua to Ging, and even more so when Bisky started crying. Other than that he felt... happy.

He wasn’t crying... you can’t prove anything!

Gon and Killua made eye contact as Gon lifted the Accompany Card in the air. Their adventure was almost over. It was sad to think about. But, Killua beating up Gon’s Dad for ditching would probably take a bit of time.

“Accompany O-!” Gon stopped talking. He was staring behind Killua with an almost unreadable expression. But Killua was Gon’s best friend, he could read him. Assassination skills also had something to do with it.

But Gon’s expression was worrying. A mixture of well concealed anger, shock, and... fear. But not for him. Gon was usually too stupid to know he was actually in danger, or care that he was in danger.

Killua turned around and prepared himself to see a clown pedophile, instead he got an empty wall. That was not what he was expecting.

Killua knew better than to let his guard down though, Killua simply pretended to act relaxed and confused.

He was about to ask Gon what he saw, but he didn’t get a chance. Someone held something sharp against his neck. That someone was dangerous enough to not be noticed by Killua or Gon. And that something that was held against his neck, was a needle. A long, thin, cold, metallic needle. A familiar needle as well.

The “someone” was familiar as well. Killua could probably name every detail about them, from black eyes to white skin. There was no mistaking his Aniki. Illumi.

Killua’s mind went blank, his only thought being, “ _Aniki wants to bring me back home... NO!”_

Killua couldn’t put his thoughts into words though. He was paralyzed. Unable to express his disgust, anger, fear, ...and shame.  
  
Killua did not want to see the face of his ecstatic mother, too happy with the fact he was home.

Killua did not want to see his Grandfather’s approval that he was back, with no words spoken between them.

Killua did not want to see Milluki’s disgusting face filled with equal disgust at him.

Killua NEVER wanted to see his father, Silva, with that stupid unreadable expression. It was so easily masked by disappointment or pride at something he had done, and Killua could never tell if those were the emotions he was actually feeling.

Maybe Mother was actually happy to see him; Maybe Father truly missed him and wanted him back; Maybe Illumi would apologize... again.

And maybe... this time Killua wouldn’t forgive them. Maybe he’d grow a spine, maybe he could tell them that he didn’t want to be home. He could tell them he had... friends. More than one. Maybe he could actually say his friends names without fear that they’d be killed by his family. 

The word ‘maybe’ was his least favorite out of all the ones he knew. It often misled him. Made him turn back on his own thoughts. It made him promises to himself that weren’t ever true.

He needed to stop.

He needed to stop his stupid expression full of fear.

He needed to stop breathing so heavy.

He needed to stop... panicking. But just like everything other moment, he found himself unable to do such simple things because of stupid ass emotions.

For once in Killua’s life, Killua wished for a red headed sex offender to come to his aid.

For the six hundred fifty second time in his life, Killua worries about what was happening to Gon.


	2. Stuff is truly going down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I warn you, this is where stuff truly escalates more than an escalator... bad analogy, but you get the point. I’m also very sorry about how short these are, I’m not very good at writing and am very inexperienced. Also, I need to apologize for the very out of character Illumi, I don’t know how to portray him very well.

  
’ _Gon. I have to stay with Gon_.’ Killua repeated in his head over and over again.He couldn’t loose Gon. They were already so far!

A monotone voice cut through Killua’s thoughts, “Kil, we needed your help with a mission. Come back home. You’ve had enough time with him.”

”NO!” It wasn’t Killua who shouted, it was Gon. That idiot can’t think about his own safety for once... but Killua was grateful for it.

He didn’t think he had the... energy to tell his Aniki that. He felt as if everything was just too much. The world was just caving, and he was at the center of it.

Even if Gon was an idiot, he was Killua’s idiot. He still needed him.   
  
Killua subconsciously sharpened his hands into claws and dropped them next to his pockets that contained metal yo-yos weighing 50 kilos each. It wouldn’t be enough, he knew that. But, he had to try.

“Killua needs to come home. He’s spent enough time with you, your being rather selfish. He is needed.”

‘ _Needed? Did Aniki say needed? This might actually be serious_.’

Gon shouted again. It hurt his ears. “Killua! Do you even want to go back to Kukuroo Mountain?”

He didn’t, Killua would never forgive himself if he went back. He couldn’t be apart of that. So he forced himself to say the words, “No. I don’t want to go back.”

He flinched at his own tone, he sounded _mad_. Why did he sound mad. He wasn’t mad, he was _scared._ Will he have to go back? No, Gon and Killua had gotten stronger these past months. But Aniki was a master Nen user, they had both only started developing specific Nen moves. His own experiments were only half done at most. They had to figure out a different way to get out of this.

Killua looked down, away from eye contact with Gon, and said, “What do you need me for, and how long will it take.”

He wasn’t leaving Gon! He was just going to complete the mission and come back, simple as that. He could do that much... but if his family were desperate enough to call for him, it wouldn’t be that easy. It could take anywhere from one week to four years. But, it was the only solution he could think of.

Gon’s look of betrayal at his questions, more like demands, shattered his small annoyance at him for trying to get himself killed again.

He still couldn’t get a read on Aniki, he always was stupidly uncaring and apathetic. At least he said something, “I’m disappointed Kil, you know we can’t talk about missions in front of others. You’ve really lost your touch. Well have to whip you back into shape when we get home.”

Of course he knew! That was essentially the first thing he was taught, don’t let the enemy gain any information on you! ...But, Gon wasn’t the enemy. Aniki is just trying to get under his skin.

”You know it wouldn’t make a difference if Gon knew or not. He’s too stupid.” Killua couldn’t help the bit of fondness in his voice as he perfectly described Gon. This time Gon didn’t make his usual squawk of indigence, (it’s totally a squawk) he just seemed to hold his breath.

His Aniki hummed in thought, but he eventually talked. “Very well Kil, the family’s gathering together. There’s something brewing in the land of the Shinobi. There is millions of future clients. Even great grandfather Maha will be there. You must be there, who knows what will happen to you if you end up in the middle of any of it. We miss you Kil, and family shouldn’t have to drag family back by force.

At Illumi’s words Killua could feel the needles come a fraction closer. Killua did not miss the hint of danger in his voice.

”How long will it take?” The dreaded question. How long will it be until he’ll see Gon again. He was being selfish, he was supposed to help Gon find Ging! He shouldn’t be thinking about his own stupid wants!

”Anywhere from one to twenty years.” ...Scratch whatever he was thinking, selfish or not, he will not wait to see Gon for twenty years.

”You got to be kidding me! I’m not going in a mission for twenty years, or however long it takes!” He regretted saying that out loud, Illumi’s eyes narrowed. He took the needles away.

Killua was in a bout of confusion, why was Aniki letting him go. The reason he lowers his needles hit him soon enough when he grabbed his throat in place of holding him at blade point. He could feel something stir in his own head.   
_‘Why am I not listening to Aniki! This mission is important, I’ve spent enough time with Gon!’_

No. Not true. Why’d he think that! Those weren’t his thoughts! ...But it was his tho- No! He couldn’t think about stuff like that. It always lead to him going back home.

Illumi quickly warned him, “Kil, what have I taught you. You don’t need to hold yourself back for your... _friend._ Missions are above your selfish thoughts.”

There it was again, the word _selfish_. He truly was selfish. But not in this situation. “No.”

The grip tightened around his throat, and there was a flash of cold pain across his body. It _hurt_ , yet it was familiar. But _why_ was it familiar? He was sure he’d remember feeling this kind of pain before. It made him want to drop to his knees screaming, writhing on the ground, but the only thing that showed his pain was a small gasp and a petrified stance.

But of course Gon could pick up the smallest details of Killua, its one of the things Killua loves about Gon. Gon always made him feel good, always made him feel like he was a good person, deserving of how Gon treated him.

He told Gon about that train of thought once, and was unceremoniously hit on the head by Gon, Wing, Zushi, Kurapika, Leorio, and Bisky. Because Gon just _had_ to tell _everyone_. He said it was important that his friends knew about... unhealthy thoughts. He offered to stop telling people, but Killua agreed that it was probably good he told people about stuff like that.

”What are you doing! Get off of him!” He saw green in front of his eyes. It wasn’t clouded by the cold pain. But what caught his attention was that there was _two_ shades of green. One could be described as a forest or emerald green, the other could be described as a dark lime with a hint hint of cyan. Both colors were imbued with black framing them.

But it wasn’t an abstract painting, it was Gon and Illumi. They were both staring at each other, too close for either of them to be comfortable, but Aniki never really got uncomfortable. Or at least he didn’t show it.

Killua no longer felt pain, just rage. He would not let Gon be hurt. Gon will not be killed because of his selfishness.   
  


Those thoughts left him when he looked in Illumi’s eyes, for when he looked at his Aniki it wasn’t the normal black. It was almost an indigo hue, and when he looked at it he felt... sick, queasy, numb. His mind faded away when Illumi started talking, “Killua, he’s getting in the way. **Take care of him**.”   
  


Killua didn’t the true meaning of those words, but his body did. He moved without thinking. He did something horrible.

One more death on his hands wasn’t that bad, right?


	3. We finally get the crossover.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The actual crossover will now commence! Not at the beginning mind you, but we’ll get there.

'Blood. I smell blood. That's not good, I promised I wouldn't kill. I feel sick. Everything's dizzy. Did I actually kill someone? Why can't I remember? Is Gon okay?'

Killua finally moves to see what had happened. He wished he hadn't, the sight would have him emptying his guts for the rest of the day. Illumi's hand on his shoulder and forehead did not help.

Across the room, was the one thing he never wanted to see. Gon Freecss was dead. And it was his fault.  
  


* * *

It’s been a while since that day, but of course he’s never forget. He’d kill himself before he ever forgot Gon.

Currently, Killua was executing a mission. A rather basic one, kill this group of _~~kids~~_ enemies. None of them were trouble at all, but the one adult with them sure could pack a punch. He had some sort of crazy Nen ability too, he put his hands together in weird ways and it led to clones of himself. 

Killua memorized the hand signs just in case.

There was one thing that bothered Killua, when on the mission his... family, didn’t tell him too much after he returned. He got the worst beating of his life, got briefed on another continent that had _hidden_ villages, and was sent to kill some random people.

~~_it hurt so much, he can’t kill someone again._ _Gon will be mad, he already hates him_ ~~

Killua had a lot more irrational thoughts lately. And by lately, he means ever sense he went back home. It effected him too much. When _he_ was murdered, Killua could not... feel as well as he once could. He was more numb to everything. Whenever he felt something negative it was increased more than it normally would be too. At least, that’s what it felt like.

Everything was all over the place. And he was too much of a damn coward to keep himself from hurting more people. One of the kids he killed, he acted similar to him before his heart was severed. He had pale eyes and brown hair, and he looked too serious for someone his age, yet at the same time not serious enough.

An interesting commonality between all the targets he’s killed these past months were always forehead protectors, not often worn of the forehead. They all had different markings on them, one group even had slashes on theirs, and had _some_ experience with weapons. Thought he usually killed them before they gave anything else away. His objective was to kill the targets, not observe them.

If only _he_ could see him now. Killua always knew he was far too lucky, undeserving. His bad karma finally caught up to him.

The body of a man with who seemed to be on scouting duty was at Killua’s feet. Also wearing a forehead protector, specifically with a sort of leaf shape on it. He was slightly more difficult to take care of than Killua would like to say.

Killua retracted his claws, there was no use for them, and prepared to search the body. Part of his commands were to search his targets once he defeated them.

Killua moved to start searching the pockets of his target, but then he felt eyes.

He didn’t stiffen, that would give away that he noticed the eyes, but he did pause slightly. Someone was watching him from the trees, and concealing their presence. He could feel their gaze, but his limited _en_ couldn’t do much. Aniki refused to teach him anything more on _Nen,_ instead focusing on disciplining him.

Killua was going to have to play this safe. Simple. _Act like a kid who needs money. Act innocent, they didn’t see me kill them._

Normally Killua would kill the person and be done with it, but this person made Killua feel... worried. They gave off a bad aura, and were strong enough to hide from him.

There was nothing in the mans pockets of actual value, not even money. _Fake disappointment._

They spoke, “Eh, Pakkun? What do you think the kids doing?” A man was now standing above him. The guy who was hiding. Wait, was that a dog? Never mind that, the guy had silver jagged hair, a mask covering half his face, and the same headband as his target. _Shit, an ally._


	4. Kakashiiiiiiii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Woooooo

'Blood. I smell blood. That's not good, I promised I wouldn't kill. I feel sick. Everything's dizzy. Did I actually kill someone? Why can't I remember? Is Gon okay?'

Killua finally moves to see what had happened. He wished he hadn't, the sight would have him emptying his guts for the rest of the day. Illumi's hand on his shoulder and forehead did not help. Across the room, was the one thing he never wanted to see. Gon Freecss was dead. And it was his fault.  
  


* * *

Killua quickly jumped away from the body towards a tree. _How the hell did he get here that fast?!_

The guy in question, who now replaced Killua in standing over the dead body, started talking again, “Ey kid, did you kill him?”

”What the... How do people normally respond to that?!” Killua demanded, somewhat exasperated.

The man just shrugged his shoulders, and Killua just noticed that there was a dog on his head. It looked positively bored. But it talked, “Kakashi, the pups scent is all over him. No one else’s.”

The white haired guy he was talking to looked at Killua in thought, “I wonder how such a cute little kid can kill a fully fledged adult Genin.”

Meanwhile, Killua was slightly panicking. _He knows I killed him, will he attack? I might be able to take him. ~~He doesn’t seem~~_ No- no assuming. _Run_.

Killua bolted from where he stood, quick as ever, to avoid a fight with this man.   
  


As Killua rushed to head into the forest, he felt someone grab him from behind. _What the-_

The same guy with the stupid dog had just grabbed Killua from behind and flung him backwards. Killua barely had time to rearrange himself midair and land on his feet.   
  


A few feet in front of him the masked man whistled. “Pretty impressive for a civilian. You’d be impressive once you opened your chakra coils.”

”What the hell are you talking about ya old geezer?!” The man Killua was yelling at seemed to take offense. He started hawking in some strange way. ~~It reminded him of Leorio~~

Killua decided to use this opportunity to run again. Quickly using _Nen_ to boost his speed, Killua rushed away again, this time successfully moving out of the small clearing they were located. However, he didn’t have much time to move after that.   
  


As Killua made it away from the clearing and started running again, he saw the same guy in front of him, like he teleported. Killua had to halt halfway through his run so as to not run into him.

”Your kinda speedy kid. But never mind that, why’d you kill him? And how were you able to kill a Genin if you can’t even use chakra?”

_~~I didn’t want to I do didn’t mean to I promised not to he was innocent they were ALL innocent~~_ Stop. Don’t think about it, it **_hurts_**. 

Quickly, Killua tried to erase those thoughts from his mind, and emotions as well. But, Killua didn’t pay attention to Kakashi Hatake’s gaze on his face as he thought.   
  


Killua’s facial expressions encouraged thought on Hatake’s mind, ‘ _He feels bad about killing them. But why did a civilian_ child _kill a Genin. And how? Who is this kid?’_

**Author's Note:**

> Please ignore the fact that Killua can barely use En because of his Nen type. I forgot and was watching the Chimera Ant Arch


End file.
